All The Words I Never Said

Have you ever used the phrase, "It's up in the air..."

For example: I still don't know what the future holds...it's up in the air.

I feel like that has been our family motto. An unsettling insecurity in our unknown fate. Even when definite plans were in the works, an unexpected detour derailed the final decision.

It is a toss-up. A real-life heads/tails situation. Except in our case, the coin's sides were never equal.

For seven years (circa 2016-2023), Nolan and I held our fate coin upright. We hesitated the toss up with what life had already handed us. We feared making any decision might cost us more in the end.

Three years ago, I felt the urgency to start writing about things occurring within this period. For some reason, I could not find the words to start. I was forcing themes with no real meaning. At one point, I managed to knock out a couple of paragraphs. When I proofread my thoughts, the words mirrored the truth. It was clear, I had unspoken anger towards the Lord. What was transpiring behind closed doors was triggering a breaking point in me.

But the thought of publishing something would not rest. God knew there was a major part of my story still missing. An audible voice repeated these three words inside my head. Document each detail...

The story you are about to read contains details I never imagined I would feel led to share publicly. I have wrestled with great grief and insecurity about opinions that may be placed upon us permanently. For this reason, I have delicately chosen my words. If you have never faced visible spiritual warfare, two stories in particular might be scary, even hard to imagine.

It could be a plot pitched for an episode of The Twilight Zone. But this was not another dimension. It was the real world. A moment in time that would change our life forever.

July 21, 2016

I lay paralyzed, staring through the blinding lights in the OR. My husband held my hand as we eagerly waited for the precious sign of life from twin A and twin B. The atmosphere was euphoric as the cries of our babies began to fill the room. It brought forth a deep breath of exhaled relief.

Tears of immense joy ran down my face. Our healthy miracles were here. We were so excited to reunite with family and celebrate these two God given gifts.

I am so thankful for the nurse who took this picture in the OR. Little did we know, it would be one of the last happy memories documented that day.

That same joy was quickly stolen by what lay ahead.

A couple of hours after their birth, I went through a series of excruciating painful attacks from a disease I have called Dystonia. Bedridden in pain for almost three weeks, at one point I prayed for the Lord to take me.

Dystonia is a movement disorder characterized by sustained or intermittent involuntary muscle contractions that cause abnormal postures, painful movements, or both.

I grieve the loss of time taken away from me with my newborn babies. The urgency to comfort their cries hurt worse than the physical pain. I could not even offer this one simple act of love. The trauma during that season led to postpartum depression and long-term anxiety.

However, something shifted in our world when these twins entered it.

As you read on, I want to be clear. These written words contain true events. Nothing is fabricated. This was the beginning of many unexplained spiritual attacks.

I had an around the clock pain medication schedule. One night, I was jolted awake. I immediately sensed an unsettling discomfort. This was not physical; it was a presence. This sensation forced me to sit up in a panic. A 180-degree scan of the room affirmed my fear.

There, standing tall over my husband, was a dark figure of a man. 

I readjusted my eyes. I quickly came up with a logical reason…it was the pain meds making me crazy. I was just seeing things. I pulled the covers over my head, prayed for the spirit to flee, and went back to bed. 

The next day, I casually mentioned this to Nolan. I played it off, talking through each detail of this demonic encounter. I wrapped up the ending with a laugh. Must have been those pain meds...right?

When I finished, I noticed his facial expression visible with concern. He began to explain that he as well encountered the same dark presence when awoken the night before.

We look back on this now and genuinely believe it was a sign of the long, dark road awaiting us. As much as we wanted to take scenic routes to bypass it, that was not God's destination for us.

In 2021, I began reading through the Bible. I chose a chronological plan, called the Bible Recap. The host of the podcast and creator, Tara Leigh Cobble, has a way of keeping her explanations simple, serving the meat and potatoes of the Word. It took me two and a half years to finish. I had to preach to myself the statement I love telling my children, “Progress is better than perfection.”

Each time I got back to the plan, I was right where God wanted my thoughts to connect with the text.

One story sat significantly different with me. In the Gospel of Matthew 9:20-22, a short parable is written of a woman who had bled for twelve years.

At this time in scripture, there were only whisperings of a man who they called Messiah. In a moment of desperation, broken by her illness, she took action. She proclaimed this thought in her head, “If I can just touch His robe, I will be made well.” Squeezed and trampled by the crowd around her, she extended her arms out towards Him. 

As she gained access to the hem of His garment, He turned to her and said, “Have courage daughter, your FAITH has saved you.” 

That one simple sentence from the Messiah changed this woman's life forever. The Lord did not need her to be a spiritually sound woman...because no matter how strong we believe our faith may be, the objective of it is to take action.

I read this story multiple times. It triggered a survival instinct to counteract my loss of physical faith. In 2018, the disease slowly started to take over every part of my body. I anguished in my sorrow waiting for the Lord to show up. One day, I came across Psalms 31. I have read it several times throughout my life. But this time, it read like words out of my personal diary. David's plea in affliction became my cry for help.

"Be gracious with me, Lord,

because I am in distress.

My eyes worn out from frustration,

my whole being as well.

Indeed, my life is consumed with grief

and my years with groaning..."

Psalms 31:9-10

Most days, my faith sat beside me. Like a friend waiting for you to acknowledge their presence. There were times I cursed the path of staying committed to God. If I was going to get through this, my faith had to become more than one-dimensional.

I started writing scripture. In 2014, Dystonia took away my fine motor skills. Writing one sentence could take up to 10 minutes. But it was a way to overpower my mental state. When I could not find the words, these scriptures became my prayer. I started focusing on one attribute of Christ at a time. If I knew His heart and His word, then above all else, it had to surpass the hope in my own understanding. I learned I did not have to hide my anger or confusion. I started inviting Him into it.

Scripture journals from 2019-2024.

Things were shifting behind the scenes during these waiting years. I would begin care at a new medical facility in Houston, Texas. The journey to Baylor St. Luke is a miracle story in and of itself. One that pertains to God using a friend.

At the time, our friend had a side business mowing. He was wrapping up a job carrying on conversation with the client. For some reason, this lady mentioned the fact that she had Dystonia. In the moment, he could have quickly moved on, saying he knew someone who had it and let that be that. Instead, he was attentive and asked questions. He got the number to the hospital and passed it along to me.

I had that number in my possession for six months. At the time, it was not logical for me to believe God was making a way on my behalf. I was discouraged. I had already been told by two neurologists there was nothing more they could do. I did not want to travel just to be told the same thing.

After another series of painful attacks, I became desperate. I got down on my knees to pray. Clutching the paper with the number in my hand, I worked up the nerve to call. The operator took my information and stated it could be up to six to eight months before an appointment became available.

Two days later, I received a call back. There were pleasantries exchange. Nothing out of the ordinary until, "I'm calling to schedule your appointment." She cheerfully got the info needed and scheduled a date for less than a month away.

I truly believe God pushed my information to be noticed in the system. Maybe it had gotten into the right hands, or maybe they confused my case with someone else. The lady who scheduled me was so kind, her personality came off angelic. At my first appointment, several doctors asked in confusion, "How did you get in so quickly, without even a referral?" Surrounded by geniuses I responded, "God...maybe an angel." My southern accent echoed in that small room. It was explained to me that cases like mine had to be looked over and approved by a doctor.

Not when God is in charge.

August 23, 2023 – A New Beginning

I was exhausted. The travel to Houston was useless at this point, and treatment was not working anymore. There were no other options than to give up. Before I left, I stopped at the end of our driveway to pray.

"Lord, if this is what you want for me...I'm done. I cannot keep traveling to Houston, only to have disappointment follow me home. My faith in the purpose is fading. You see me suffering. Why are You allowing this?"

I remember walking into the patient room angry. I was agitated by the routine questions, oblivious to what God was about to do next.

My neurologist’s bedside manner is not the best. He is intelligent and hard to read. Our conversations were always short and to the point. But I knew he cared about my case. He may not have shown it, but his actions always proved it.

The man, who for five years upheld the same demeanor, stopped talking mid question. His tone changed. He looked right at me and said, "I think it is time for you to have the brain surgery." His explanations were intentional, his reasoning with care. In that moment, whether he knew it or not, I sensed the Lord was using him...speaking through him.

God kept aligning each step forward. I took a month to pray and talked it over with my husband. There are times I worry my health journey has been too much on him. When I could not sit up or walk after the twins were born, he stepped up. He was thrown into an unexpected circus. He bit off more than he could chew when he married me.  

As I suffered, I truly believe God was making my husband stronger. These typed words, these true stories, also pertain to what he has gone through behind closed doors. He was thrown into many fires but came out alive. I have witnessed this man's faith transform. The enemy wanted nothing more than to break us. Our despair made us stronger...together.

January 21, 2024

The week had finally arrived. We were 4 days away from finding out if doctors approved my case to have surgery. This deep brain stimulation procedure would be life changing. I waited for this version of healing for 25 years.

As I drifted off to sleep that night, little did I know, two worlds would soon collide.

I can only describe this part as an upside-down world. If you have watched the popular Netflix series, “Stranger Things,” it is the perfect visual. Everything in this dream looked real and felt real. Nothing was out of place. Only a clouded filter of unexplainable darkness. 

The dream began as I came to standing in the middle of our pasture. As I regained my composure, I spotted an unusually tall, lanky woman a few yards away. I could tell by her demeanor she was wandering without purpose. 

I did not scream in that moment. I turned and ran towards the direction of our house.

When I approached the door of our home, I called out for Nolan. Closing and locking the door behind me, I gave my husband no time to think about what I was saying. For some reason, I felt this was the best time to catch up on the pile of dishes in the sink. Even in an upside-down world, a mom cannot escape her to-do list.

I looked up out our windows above the sink. There, wandering in a state of confusion, was that same lady. Only this time, she was inches away from the stairs to our backdoor.

Fear set in. As soon as the first echo of my scream was heard, the woman turned to face me. She was the true definition of a demonic human. My scream became frantic, louder as she walked up towards the window. Her presence had a force that pulled me forward, but before she could have what she wanted I woke up.

I came to this conclusion as I lay in bed terrified. She was looking for me the whole time. The only way she could find me was by my voice. She needed it to sustain her existence.

I never went back to sleep. It disturbed and burdened my spirit. As I got the kids ready and off to school, I could not get it off my mind. I had to get it off my chest. I told Nolan exactly what happened when I got back home.

But just like seven years ago...his facial expression became visible with concern. He too had a dream. His dream was just as dark. It involved, and confirmed, they existed within the shadows of our children's rooms.

When he finished talking, I do not know why, but with complete confidence I blurted out, “They are not ready to leave! They do not want to let go of our family.”

My surgery plan was divided into four phases. Each phase we experienced evident war with mother nature. Before phase one, a storm followed us all the way to downtown Houston. It was like a cyclone. It circled us, causing hurricane force winds at times. We were only 15 minutes away from the hotel when rain pounded our car. It was too dangerous to keep driving and everyone preceded with the same caution. In standstill bumper to bumper traffic, the violent winds shook the pavement beneath us. We could hear the tornado headed in our direction. Nolan and I braced ourselves. All we could do was pray...

As soon as the worst passed, we were able to survey the damage around us. That tornado hit both sides of the freeway we were stopped on. It was like it went up and dropped back down after it crossed over us.

When we finally got to our hotel room we sat in silence. We were in shock. We had just survived one of the worst storms we had ever encountered. The sun broke through the clouds and reflected the most beautiful light into our room. We embraced each other. We officially knew what God was preparing was making the enemy furious.

A couple of days before phase two, the first major surgery, my sister had a flight scheduled to come keep the kids. But again, a storm swept through East Texas area causing major outages, damage, and flight delays. After several flight cancellations she decided to make the 8-hour road trip to be here. I will always remember her selfless heart in a moment that Nolan and I needed her most. She changed her plans without thinking twice.

The morning of the first surgery I had complete peace. We had been praying for months. Specifically, over the concern of a possible brain bleed. After six hours in surgery, and five long hours in recovery, everything went flawlessly. The CT scan showed no evidence of a brain bleed, and the electrodes were placed in the exact spot for best results. Electrode placement is major. I feel like this may be the reason my neurologist hesitated to offer this surgery to me. God was handpicking my neurosurgeon. Everything lined up perfectly in this moment in time for him to be the one chosen for my case.

The day before phase four, turning on the DBS, a hurricane swept through Houston. The phone lines were down, gas stations without power, and reported outages near the hospital. We left East Texas the next day on a prayer and a full tank of gas. When we reached the road where the hospital and hotel were located, there was no evidence of damage.

Only God.

After a month recovering from both procedures, it was time to turn the stimulator on. The first symptom I wanted the electrical impulses to attack was walking/standing still. In 2021, my neck and torso started pulling me in different directions. Trying to control the friction was very painful.

I sat for hours while the doctor tried out different program number settings. When we reached a level I felt comfortable with she said, "Can you get up and walk across the room?"

The moment I had waited for was finally here. I stood up, my posture immediately different. I walked across the room feeling weightless for the first time in 15 years. A miracle was happening within me.

A year later, I have had time to reflect on our era of spiritual warfare. Without a doubt in my mind God protected us. But He also allowed it.

The enemy wanted nothing more than for me to stay trapped in my suffering. He knew it overpowered my thoughts and held me back from the person God created me to be. But, just like the biblical truth of Job's story, sometimes the Lord allows devastation. What was meant to harm Nolan and I, built a firmer foundation. This season humbled us, and each disappointment heighten our maturity. It challenged our internal patterns.

If you let it, true dependence on God offers peace without understanding. If you gain anything by reading this testimony, I hope it is a revived faith. There is no way I could have constructed or accomplished the details in-between the miracle. I understand how hard it is to see the good when all hope seems lost. Please do not shy away from that pain. Some of our worst days can be the best time of reflection. Bring it all as an offering to Him. It may feel like everything is up in air, but that is when He works best. When we let Him control the narrative, anything is possible.

King David questioned and wrestled with his faith concerning the opposition he faced daily. At the same time, God was working on his behalf preparing for his reign. This whole time, God was coaching our family like a football coach on the sidelines. Changing each play when needed against the enemy. All we had to do was trust His game plan. He made, and still makes, ALL THINGS work together for our good. As long as we choose to love Him. Romans 8:28 I hope you will take a listen to the link attached to this verse.

I pray all these words I have never said will encourage you to keep going. There is always a bigger vision than what is happening in our now.

In the meantime, I continue to try my best to surrender control. I look forward to the next chapter unwritten.